Loss

I have been lax the past few weeks on the attachment stuff. Nathaniel is such an easy kid and on the surface he seems to be doing so well. But little signs here and there tell me that we have a long way to go and this little man has a lot of healing to do.

As prospective adoptive parents, sometimes we fall into 'romanticized' adoptive thinking. I know I did. Remember the Steven Curtis Chapman video where the kids are just sitting in the fields looking sad until the adoptive parents scoop them up and then all is right with the world? (Don't get me wrong, I love that video, but stick with me here) I like to think that my children were/are sitting around in the orphanage dreaming of the day I would come and get them.

Adoptive parents know this is not the case. The kids are usually scared to death and have a rough time adjusting. No wonder. Below is a brutally honest analogy of what adoption must feel like to a child to young to understand what is happening to them.

It has been a great reminder to me how I need to have patience and parent differently. I am sharing it here so that maybe people will understand why we let him sleep with us, why he doesn't want to give hugs out easily, why he gets a little crazy in group situations, why he wants to be carried everywhere, why I need to pass on the girls night out invites and why we don't take you up on all of your wonderful babysitting offers.


A Different Perspective Immense Loss; Walk a Mile in Baby's Booties

Imagine for a moment…
You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancee. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.

The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life.

The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face.

But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved?

You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay.

But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him?

Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone.

You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact.

Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it.

More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you?

You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried. The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you.

You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.

The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.

Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair.

Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before.

He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black.

You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep.

People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness.

Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along.

Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered.

But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.

--Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, analogy courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller

Fall Fun

While we were visiting my brother, the boys had great fun with leaves!

Vacation

We had a great time visiting my brother and SIL who are getting ready to welcome their little one into the world. They loved meeting Nathaniel for the first time and he, of course, captured their hearts. The boys had so much fun wrestling, playing hide & seek and playing with their dog. We introduced them to Ethiopian food and we also took Nathaniel to the zoo for the first time. He loved seeing all the animals!

Playing with the dog.

At the Zoo

The monkeys behind us were from Ethiopia!

The boys hangin'. Nathaniel got to test drive his baby cousins stroller!


Wore out from the Zoo!

Name That Tune Answer

"Have you seen the muffin man?"

Name That Tune

I'll be gone for a few days taking the boys to visit my brother and SIL, so I thought I would leave you all with a game of "name that tune". See if you can guess what song Nathaniel is signing. It's his new favorite. We'll reveal the answer in a few days!

Home 2 months!

I can hardly believe it's been two months since we have been home with Nathaniel Ankute.
We are really settled in now. We have a routine. We can go out and about pretty easily. We can have visitors and visit other people. And he is sharing his toys much better! We are doing Kindermusik (kill me now:)) and swim lessons. He has even stayed with a babysitter a few times while I work on a project for some clients from last year. He knows how to sit in a cart and behave in the store (and just stares at the American kid throwing the tantrum) and he refuses to drink room temperature water.....so maybe he's adjusted too well! Seriously, though, he seems to grasp the concepts of family and knows that we will come back if one of us goes to work or school. He is growing. I had to buy him new shoes already and soon we'll have to get new pants. He really enjoys Luke. And he really is bonding with Daddy more everyday.

I thought about how people say in adoption there may be a "honeymoon" period, and then when the child feels comfortable and safe, they really let it all out and deal with their loss issues, usually manifesting in "bad" behavior. I haven't seen that yet, I like to think the first few days he grieved pretty heavily and got a lot of it out. Honestly, unless he's saving it for later, we just don't have the terrible behaviors I was expecting.

That being said, I know a lot of prospective adoptive parents (PAPs, as well call them) read blogs. I know I did. I read them like crazy to see what this whole adoption thing was like. I feel like I would be doing PAPs a disservice if I just showed cute videos and told you how wonderful everything was. So I am going to get honest here about what some of our challenges have been.

1. Sleep. This child (and many adoptive children) does not want to be left alone. EVER. Even at night. He wakes up several times a night to see if I am still there. My friend describes it as having a "mobile newborn". And then he has to have his hand on my arm, face, etc. He has to get closer to me. Closer. Until he is laying on top of me. Or his other signature move, to lay his top half on me and his legs across daddy, like we are a human letter H. My dad told me I look tired. My sister asked me if I was sick. It is starting to wear on me....I need a good nights sleep. Not that this is going to get any better when we get babygirl, right?!
2. Crying. It is really really hard to know which tears are grief, which are hurt, which are pouting. It is harder to parent because it breaks your heart to know that they are experiencing huge loss. Sometimes he is so strong willed and at others, so fragile.
3. Stares. I really didn't expect this to bother me as much as it does. Being a trans racial family we will never blend in again and thats OK. But everywhere we go, we get looks. Double takes. Stares. Then there are the people who you can see staring at you out of the corner of your eye, but as soon as you look at them, they quickly look away with the "no I was not staring at you" look. No dirty looks or anything, nobody has been mean or rude, I just think because our family is "different", people try to figure us out. People are curious. It's human nature to notice things that are out of our experience of ordinary. I guess it's no different than what an interracial couple or parents with a handicapped child go through. You just attract attention. I just didn't think it would bother me as much as it does. Sometimes I feel like wearing a T-shirt that says: "Yes, I have an adopted African child" to announce to the world. I expect this is something that you get used to over time, right now it's just annoying me. I guess I can be thankful at least the paparazzi aren't always following me :) I would never want to be famous.

On the fun side, he is learning a ton of English. His vocab now includes about 100-200 words and putting 3 or 4 words together making simple sentences. Here he is talking on his own. He cracks himself up sometimes! He answers to Nathaniel but still refers to himself in 3rd person "Ankute" all the time like, as my sister says, George on Seinfeld.

And there are some words in Amharic we will never forget. They have worked their way into our vocab as well and we just find ourselves using them!

1. Embi- "No"
2. Quas- "ball"
3. Machina- "car"
4. Coffian- "hat"
5. Ow- "yes"
6. Shinte bet- "potty"

These past 2 months have been the best. I'll say it again, this is one special kid. We love him so much!

LJ's Video

I promised LJ I would post this movie he made. "Ankute Wins the Gold".

It is very cute. :)

Our New President

Congratulations to president-elect Obama for being the first American of African descent elected to the office.

Whether or not we agree with his politics, we can agree that he made history by breaking through racial barriers, and breaking racial barriers is a good thing. For my son, for our kids, for all of us.

Now, there is just one more glass ceiling to shatter...

VOTE!

Whatever happens today, it's going to be historic.
In the next 24 hrs we'll either have our first female V.P. or first bi-racial President.

When we were in Ethiopia we asked our driver about the political situation there. He just shook his head and said it was not a democracy like in America (technically, we have a representative republic) and that the elections there were already decided- as in rigged- he said it didn't matter who you voted for. I thought how awfully hopeless that must feel to a people, a country.

Call me idealistic, but I still believe my vote counts. I am thankful to live in a country where I can vote. I won't forget those who died so I can have that right. As someone with a sibling in the military, that is especially important to me. I won't forget the courageous women who worked so hard and were arrested and jailed so I don't have to stand outside the polling place while my husband votes. I try to vote in every election, even small municipal elections.

So I am encouraging everyone, GO VOTE!

In the spirit of the presidential election, here are some of my favorite quotes from the candidates and from past presidents:

"But all of us must do our part as parents to turn off the television and read to our children and take responsibility for providing the love and guidance they need."
-Barack Obama

"I believe in the greatness of America."
-John McCain

“Without God, democracy will not and cannot long endure"
-Ronald Reagan

"I say women exhibit the most exalted virtue when they depart from the domestic circle and enter on the concerns of their country, of humanity, and of their God!" (February 1838)
-John Quincy Adams

"Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty…..
Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country."
-John F. Kennedy

"The world is not going to be saved by legislation."
-William Taft

“We have the duty to protect the life of an unborn child.”
-Ronald Reagan

"A house divided against itself cannot stand."
-Abraham Lincoln

"Millions of individuals making their own decisions in the marketplace will always allocate resources better than any centralized government planning process."
-Ronald Reagan

"The era of big government is over." (1995 State of the Union Address)
-Bill Clinton

"It is the American story; a story of flawed and fallible people, united across the generations by grand and enduring ideals. The grandest of these ideals is an unfolding American promise: that everyone belongs, that everyone deserves a chance, that no insignificant person was ever born."
-George W. Bush

"Americanism is a question of principle, of purpose, of idealism, or character; it is not a matter of birthplace or creed or line of descent."
-Theodore Roosevelt

And my all time favorite:
“If the government is big enough to give you everything you want, it is big enough to take away everything you have.”
-Gerald Ford

Halloween (continued)

As always, LJ makes him laugh.

We practiced trick-or-treating at home. Nathaniel would say "Allo-een". Then a knocking motion. Then "Twik-a-teet"..... "caan-dee". Then he covers his mouth and giggles.

Then the big night came. He went to the first house and his practice really paid off. He got the hang of it right away. As soon as the candy hit the bag, he said "thank oo" and turned around, pointed at the house across the street and said "dat one". He went non-stop for over an hour. The candy bag was gettin' heavy!

Here he is with his haul. He ended the night with his thumbs-up "Allo-ween. I like it."

Halloween

Halloween is so much more fun when you have little ones and our little one had quite the first Halloween.

First there was the pumpkin carving...

New Dog in the House

I took Nathaniel shopping for a Halloween costume and he didn't want anything to do with them. He would shake his head no and push the costumes back toward the rack. I was unsure if we were going to be doing Halloween at all. But he loves pretending he is a dog, so when I saw a dog costume at a resale shop I figured we'd give it a try. The first day he was scared of it. Then the next time he put it on his head and smiled. He thought it was great fun looking like a real dog- he even had a tail! A few days later I coaxed him into trying the whole suit on, but he did not want it zipped up. Eventually he felt comfortable zipping it up and, viola! Halloween costume success.

He got to try it out last week at his cousin's birthday/Halloween party. He also got to do the pinata, which he thought was the most fun ever. And his older cousins were impressed with how hard he hit it and how perfect his aim was. 2 of the boys came up to me later in the party and said he was "the best of the little kids". He doesn't mess around when it comes to candy. :)

With my niece

Pinata fun!

Waiting for the candy to drop!

A Taste of the Homeland

Nathaniel loves, loves, loves Ethiopian food. My friend gave us a supply of injera when he first got here. I just put whatever food we were eating on the injera and he ate it. It only lasted him a couple of weeks and he is always asking me for more injera. He doesn't understand why we can't just buy it in the US grocery store. :) Today I drove to a different part of the city to a small Ethiopian grocery store and bought him some more, and I also tried cooking my first home-cooked Ethiopian meal. I made shiro from the powder I bought in ET and doro wat from this recipe. It was pretty good, if I do say so myself! And the best part was seeing him enjoy it.

If you have never tried Ethiopian food, I encourage you to find an Ethiopian restaurant and check out Nathaniel's native cuisine. Quite a different experience from what we are used to.

Speedy Gonzales

When Nathaniel spotted LJ's sombrero, he immediately put it on and began racing around, flinging the hat off as he started to run. He did it over and over. It was too funny! Has he seen Speedy Gonzales somewhere before??

Spoiled Brats

I try to keep the blog lighthearted and out of the forwarded emails arena, but this is just too good. This essay by Craig Smith really gets you thinkin'. You cannot visit some of the places in the world I have and not have a burning realization of how spoiled we, as Americans, really are! If you don't believe me, come with me to Ethiopia next time (or Mexico or Belize or North Korea)... With Thanksgiving season coming up, let's all be thankful for what we have.

The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe......The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the president. In essence 2/3s of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.

So being the knuckle dragger I am, I starting thinking, ''What we are so unhappy about?''Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?

Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all involved. Whether you are rich or poor they treat your wounds and even, if necessary, send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home, you may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of having a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes; an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping the spoiled brats safe from terrorist attacks? The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me?

Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want but I blame it on the media.....Stop buying the negative venom you are fed everyday by the media...... Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.

I close with one of my favorite quotes from B.C. Forbes in 1953:
''What have Americans to be thankful for? More than any other people on the earth, we enjoy complete religious freedom, political freedom, social freedom. Our liberties are sacredly safeguarded by the Constitution of the United States, 'the most wonderful work ever struck off at a given time by the brain and purpose of man.' Yes, we Americans of today have been bequeathed a noble heritage. Let us pray that we may hand it down unsullied to our children and theirs.''
-Craig Smith 2008

Sprinkler Fun

One morning a few weeks ago, Nathaniel went with me early in the morning to put out the sprinklers. I had just set it up, turned it on and turned around to see him running through it. What is it about sprinklers that kids find universally appealing? He was still in his pajamas and it was only about 70 degrees out, so maybe a sensible mother would have scolded him and brought him inside. But seeing that pure joy on his face and hearing his squealing laugh I decided, what the heck, go ahead and run through the sprinkler fully clothed in your jammies at 7 am! Life is short.

I've Been Tagged!

People who send me those "getting to know your friends" questionnaire emails know I never do them. I don't mean to be spoil sport, it's just that a) I type slow; b) I am usually too busy; c) my answers are never as witty and funny as others; and d) who really cares what color pants I have on or who the last person I talked to on the phone was- do you?

Honestly, I dread them. I love reading everyone else's, but I am sorry to say I "break the chain" and never forward it to the 7 people I am supposed to.

Now I'm in the blog world and I find out there is an insidious cousin to that email. It's called being TAGGED. Good grief, I have been tagged. Except now, everyone can see if I don't respond. Thanks to my new friends Rhonda and Stacie!! Just kidding! I'm honored you want to know 7 weird things about me. I will forgive you and play along this once. :)

Those who don't really care about 7 weird or random things about me, stop reading now!
Here goes.

1. When I was little, I wanted to be a paleontologist when I grew up.
2. "Technically" I have been in North Korea. My brother and I toured the Demilitarized zone between N & S Korea and there are underground tunnels dug by Kim Jong Il's guys which the South discovered. Now they let tourists go in one of them and at one point you are actually under N Korea. This was very exciting to me...
3. I love a lot (and I mean a lot) of salt on my popcorn. Especially at the movies. I really don't salt anything else, but I love to feel my lips burn when I eat popcorn.
4. I 'strongly dislike' those huge holiday inflatables people love to put in their yard.
5. I know how to country line dance.
6. Last New Year's Eve I was in Ghana, Africa preaching the Gospel in the middle of a Muslim village.
7. My 2nd toe is longer than my first.

That was the most weird/random I could come up with...now I am going to be a spoil sport b/c I have no idea who to tag!

Nathaniel's 1st Bike

After the doctor and the occupational therapist asked me on their assessments if he can pedal a bike (and I'm like, ummm.... don't know) I figured I'd better get him a bike. That, and he was using my gardening cart as a ride-on toy.

I took him to the store and we saw the tricycle! Took it down and he sat on it. He gave me his "thumbs up" and said "I likeit, I likeit". As I put it in the back of our cart, I wish I had a picture of his face. He was literally shaking with excitement. He could not wait to get it home.

Here he is on one of his first trial runs. (Notice the helmet! See, this makes up for the 'wild swinging with the cousins' video...) You can see how he tries to use those eyes and coy smile to get mommy ride to let him ride in the street! But thank goodness she is the meanest mommy in the world (just ask your 13 yr old brother) and says we must stay on the sidewalk.

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